to-delve-deeper

as charlotte slept

2009-11-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

on that night

in late november

i looked at you

dressed in rose

the fog was thick

it kept Charlotte warm

as the city slept

all but us

on that night

in late november

when i looked at you

dressed in rose

i did not recognize

your once

familiar face

or spoken truths

on that night

in late november

when i looked at you

dressed in rose

alone in that dark

scared

i never really saw

your love

on that night

in late november

when i took off those glasses

as Charlotte slept

you were gone

musical by osmosis, it will happen

2009-11-14T20:35:00.001-08:00

wow, it has been a while. it has been a long time since i took a day for myself.

this morning i woke up after the sun, which is SO refreshing to do. i did some laundry and picked up around the house; my house, yes, i own a house. i went to amelie's, only the best french bakery in town, and treated myself to some delicious coffee and an oversized chocolate tart with raspberry goodness on top. yum. my next stop was paper skyscraper. i actually purchased christmas cards already. i have this weird love for buying cards. i'm not quite sure when that love came about in my life, but it is there nonetheless. i just realized all my sentences are starting with "i".

since it was nearly impossible to miss that today, mid-november mind you, was in the mid to upper 70's, i decided to go for a run. probably about 5 minutes after i started running i got this ridiculously sharp pain in my left abdomen, so my run turned into a walk. i tried to venture toward our neighborhood's sports complex, but couldn't find it. odd. there where signs pointing in the general vicinity, but no building. perhaps i didn't look hard enough. this led me to believe that a neighborhood who, intentionally or not, makes their sports complex difficult to find must not value fit residents. maybe that is why they created so many sidewalks, to deter sports complex users to the outdoor elements for recreational enjoyment. shame on sports complex developers, or sign posters.

following my run, i took a long shower, did this new fun thing with my hair (that i learned on youtube, yes, youtube), and went to see my friends jacob early and jessie parker show of their talents. i have really talented, musical friends. it makes for great entertainment. it also makes me realize that i missed the music bandwagon. perhaps i should have stuck with that clarinet instead of dropping band in my junior year of high school. the director tried to make us wear these horrendous marching uniforms and force us to march and all football games. those uniforms had bad news written all over them. now, i simply watch my musical friends instead of join them.

i wonder if after chad and i are married i may become musical by osmosis. they do say you become "one" after marriage, right? i shall remain hopeful.

i must pray

2009-10-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

i had the blessing of meeting with a friend of mine yesterday. we met at summit for coffee and conversation about our amazing God. when we left to go our separate ways at the conclusion of the evening i realized that three house had passed while we sat immersed in the glory of God.

the eyes of my heart were opened, in some cases again in others for the first time, to several awe striking things.

1. my God loves me completely and unconditionally

2. i am a sinner

3. with God's love comes a saving forgiveness

4. i am blessed far beyond anything i could have ever dreamed of

5. God prepares His chosen

6. the kingdom God longs for more hearts

7. my heart achingly longs to be like Christ

8. i am made new each day, but each day lived serves as a growing experience-one that may better help me serve God's kingdom tomorrow

9. each day is a blessing

10. Chad is a blessing and i know that he actively loves me in each moment

11. my brother's death hurt, seeing my parents' grief hurt, after seeing my father lose his only son makes me understand a tiny glimpse of the magnitude of God's gracious sacrifice of offering up Jesus for my eternal life

12. i want to better live God's description of true love

13. i want others to see God's love through me, really see it, and desperately want to know Christ

14. there is so much more i want to know

15. i must pray

be

2009-10-05T14:22:00.000-07:00

in four days a good friend of mine will be married and living in boone, north carolina. i'm going to miss her. i am so excited for her wedding day-which i am blessed to be a part of-and the beginning of her new life together with the man that she loves. but i am still going to miss her.

knowing she is moving away makes me think of the past time i've had with her. for a few months we were able to live together in my one bedroom apartment. i'm sure i wasn't the best roommate in the world as i am starting to realize i have more pet peeves than i thought. i loved living with bethany. she has this contagious-always present-happiness about her. i get happy-of course. but bethany gets jubilantly happy. even when she is sad-she still has this ability to resonate joy from her. i know it sounds strange-but it is something that just happens with bethany and i love that about her.

with her leaving, i am forced to reflect on what i had and i am a little disappointed; in me. i a don't know when, or if, she will return to charlotte to live and i know that none of that has any weight on our friendship. i do wonder if i have been the best of a friend to her that i want to be. i worry if i have failed her as a friend. have i cherished her enough? have i spent enough time with her? does she know what she means to me-that she was my first real friend in charlotte? then i sit back for a minute and the whole picture expands. how are the rest of my friendships? i was having a conversation with my future brother-in-law and he was talking about relationships and giving; how people take turns giving and taking in a relationship. i couldn't help but let my mind wander and think about ALL of my relationships and if i give enough. they say hindsight is 100% and using mine now, i see that i struggled with selfishness A LOT as a child and i hope that isn't something i have carried with me into my adulthood.

i guess all of this ranting centers back to the fact that there may be anything-any little thing-that runs through our mind in any given moment. it takes intentional reflection to allow those little things to serve as big things. big things that can teach us big lessons. my big lesson for today? to let those you love KNOW you love them without question. give without expectations of receiving. BE a friend.

darn bugs

2009-09-24T15:16:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in our new house right now. i am occupying our lonely "dining room" table and chairs. (our house exists more as a confined open space; but if we had distinct rooms, this one would be called the dining room.) in front of me are the sliding glass doors that lead to our small backyard/patio. it really is a beautiful patio. the yard, at the moment, is infested with weeds. just a few moments ago i attempted to tell those weeds who was in charge. that lasted until the bugs detected my bare legs as feeding grounds. now i will simply admire the yard from inside.

i have to say, i was not aware of the handy-man factor chad has brought to the table. i am very proud of him, but i wonder if he knows what he has truly unleashed. seeing his home do-it-yourself skills makes my mind wander to a plethora of fun home decor ideas that would involve his newly discovered abilities. currently, i am waiting for him to get off work so we can partake in the mountain of tasks that await us.

sitting here alone, waiting on chad, reminds me of how much i want to spend the rest of my life with him. having this new home, planning and working toward making it a place that we will both, one day soon, dwell in together brings a whole new level of excitement for all that our shared life will bring. it really is an exhilarating feeling. as much joy as it brings me, it also brings an ache to my heart. an ache that can not wait for his arrival. an ache that misses him while he is gone. an ache that brings me to know that i don't want to miss any more of my life without him in it. an ache that lets me know chad is a blessing from God that makes me long for the day i will call myself his wife.

finally....or not so much

2009-09-23T16:14:00.000-07:00

"me" time. something i have been looking forward to for quite some time now. the funny thing is that as i sit here i struggle thinking of even one thing for me to do with this time. all day long my mind is saying "go, go, go". Now that i have a significant amount of time to myself, my mind is like a dim lightbulb. i could look at my to-do list i made today-in the midst of the busy school day-but i'm not going to let myself. anyways, here i am blog world.

i met with a friend today that i haven't had the time to really get to know as well as i'd like. we had a really great time. she wanted to know more about me and asked, what do i like to do in my free time and what my hobbies were. ready for this? i had nothing.

if i remember correctly, this is what i listed off to her:

-i like to write, but i never seem to have time to do so

-i want to learn to play the piano, but i never seem to find time for that either

-i love trees

-i play soccer, sometimes

-i like to travel

-i like people and cultures

so....now i have time and i can't seem to figure out where to start. what i love most about trees is when they are really, really, crazy tall and form a canopy over your head with their branches and leaves. that is my all time favorite. i feel so small and almost wrapped up in their embrace. i think it is beautiful. there is a part of charlotte, myers park, that has trees like that. they line some of the roads and i love driving under them.

okay...i wanted to write some but now i think i may go play some piano. wish me luck.

my battle

2009-09-05T07:06:00.001-07:00

it is a saturday morning and i have already ventured downstairs to make a cup of tea. i tidied up the kitchen a bit and returned to my unmade bed, tea in tote, to savor the last sips of warmth before i tackle my messy room.

school has started again. we have completed two weeks now and i only see two major challenges in front of me. ensuring my newspaper students leave the drama outside the production room and actually tear down their own pride to work together and learn compassion, patience, understanding, wisdom, and a sense of love for others. secondly, my student who i will call 'george'. george has a lot of personal problems that usually show in random, inappropriate, puzzling ways. i pray i have patience and wisdom when i deal with george. i know God loves him and i pray i can show george that.

as for me, removed from school, my struggles lie in a whole other realm. i simply can not get a reasonable grasp on my own emotions. one minute i am up, one minute i am down, every other day i am falling into the great whole of my insecurities that is always gaping wide open ready to greet me. i believe all the lies told to me that i am worthless and although i know they are lies i can't run fast and far enough away from them. i know one of my biggest problems is that 'i' keep trying and trying with no luck. 'i' know i can't do it alone. so i pray for wisdom to identify the negative thoughts that try to fill my mind and i pray for strength to fight them out of my mind and the knowledge to fill that whole with truth, with scripture.

my struggle has been taking a toll on my relationship with chad. we are in one of the most exciting years of our new life together. we are eagerly anticipating a beautiful wedding day ahead of us (june 25, 2010!). we are closing on our new house in less than two weeks. we are slowly working to build a life together centered around our mighty Lord. we want to do nothing but celebrate and work toward all of those amazing things that we have been blessed with. often times, my inability to fight the lies and fall into feelings of worthlessness gets in the way and causes me to doubt, not trust, not believe, and worry. i don't want to look back on this time in five, ten, twenty years and think 'if only i wasn't so dang emotional we would actually have really had an amazing, loving, exciting engagement year'!

i don't know why i am choosing to post these thoughts and feelings. it's not like they are secret. people have witnessed my struggle first hand and know the effects it has on me and those in close proximity of me. it's embarrassing. it's scary to let others know that i don't have it all together. i think to sit here and write it all down, see my struggle rather than just mentally and emotionally battle in the spiritual realm, helps to see that it is real and that my need to continue seeking help from God is real.

i know we all struggle. if we didn't, we wouldn't need the sweet salvation Jesus provided for us. that is what this life is all about. understand we can not make it alone. we are not perfect. we are not okay. we are not fine and we can not do it all on our own. we are not the independent people that we think we are. we need help. we need wisdom. we need strength. we need humility. we need love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. we need God. i need God.

back!

2009-08-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

So . . . it has been a reaaalllllyyyyy long time since I've blogged. For those who actually follow (thank you) and I thought I would update you on all of what has been happening in my life since, well, the last time I blogged.

After I finished my second year of teaching, Chad and I accompanied fr

iends Bethany and Jacob Early on a two week cross-country trip. We literally left right after Hopewell's graduation ceremony. I can't remember, at the time, what I was more excited for: school being over for the summer or the cross-country trip. Either way I know I was ready for a break from all things stressful. I have been blessed to have had many opportunities to travel the world. I've seen Mexico, South America, parts of Western Europe and the Caribbean, but before the trip I haven't traveled out west. Let me just say that God is a beautiful creator and we live in an amazing country.

So...the first leg of our trip was a twenty-six hour trek from Charlotte, North Carolina to Colorado Springs, Colorado. Yes, yikes! was my reaction too. Looking back on the trip, I know I must have been some level of obnoxious, I'm just grateful I have friends that love me despite my moans and groan

s and flaws. We drove day and night till we got to Colorado-which was an amazing relief-but as we drove we saw Nashville at night, the St. Louis arch, the flat flat FLAT lands of Kansas, a giant superman statue, the emerging Rocky mountains as the sun was setting before a huge storm moved through Colorado Springs. Wow-that was beautiful! I still remember traveling along what seemed to be the longest road ever. The sign as you enter into Colorado claims it is "The Colorful State" and man, they didn't lie. There were deep gray storm clouds rolling in from the left while the setting sun cast purples and light orange hues across the darkening sky. (check out the photo attache) A rainbow came to remind us of God's promises as Chad struggled between holding the wheel straight and gawking out the window (sorry Chad!).

Anyway...we REALLY enjoyed Colorado. While there Chad, Jacob, Bethany and I drove to the top of Pike's Peak (snow, cold, wind, July, flip-flops made for an interesting experience). Nevertheless, the view was unbelievable! We drove back down the mountain and saw the Garden of the gods-crazy rocks. Jacob and Bethany blessed us with the privilege of having relatives in nearly every location in America so we could stay for free and enjoy their company and hospitality. While in Colorado Springs we had the opportunity to get to know Kevin and Jessica Early and their three boys.

I know I am going to leave things out while recapping this trip, but I really want to shed some light on how awesome of an experience it really was.

Okay...Colorado Springs led us through southern Colorado and the fours corners (Colorado meets Arizona, Utah and New Mexico). We were able to leave the four corners and check out Monument Valley just before the sun left us for that day. Then the adventure ensued. Our next stop on the journey was the Grand Canyon. Since it was already night, my instinct was to find a place to stay near where we were and leave early the next morning for the gaping whole in the ground. I couldn't understand why Chad, Jacob and Bethany wanted to leave that night to get to the Grand Canyon, without a place to stay. Five + hours, two unpaved roads, countless GPS detours, two filled campgrounds, and many no vacancy hot

els later, 3 p.m. had arrived with (finally) one lone hotel room beckoning my credit card along with a ten minute drive to the Grand Canyon. (whew!) We woke up the next morning to a gloomy sky and light rain. The four of us fearlessly headed out to the Grand Canyon laughing about the previous night's frustrations and escapades. As s

oon as we parked the toaster on wheels, the sun finally joined us! No picture or words can explain how remarkable the Grand Canyon truly is. I know Chad had planned the entire trip as something we could do together with friends and relax, enjoy new experiences together and marvel at God's works. What I didn't know was that Chad also planned the trip to ask me to marry him. It was at the Grand Canyon, overlooking this crazy stunning work of wonder, on July 18, 2009 that the man I love proposed to me. (YEAH!)

And I said yes! :) We were planning on heading to Las Vegas, Nevada that night, and to celebrate, Chad and I went out to dinner at the Bellagio's glamorous buffet.

After Las Vegas the four of us headed to Santa Rosa, California where we stayed with some more Early family while we explored San Francisco. Then we headed south to LA where we met up with our good friend Gini Matz and her family. Following two full days filled with LA excursions we jumped back in the Element and traveled to Tucson, Arizona. I never figured Arizona to be so dang pretty! After Tucson, we flew through the South to see the Alamo and New Orleans, then back to the Queen City! I can't even begin to share all of the amazing adventures here, but it was definitely a trip that I won't forget quickly, if ever at all.

So here I sit, the second day of August preparing to return to Hopewell for the third year, about to make an offer on a home (with Chadwick), and in the beginning stages of planning a wedding. I am so blessed in this life I live. If you are reading this, I pray that you know how good God is and how much he blessed those who are faithful and obedient. I pray that I continue to remain focused on Jesus and who He is as I pursue a new life with the man I love. Yay for new beginnings and a saving love.

being

2009-05-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

tonight in small group (which really isn't so small anymore-awesome!) we discussed being generous with our entire being. i was really shaken by that concept. sure i tithe ten percent of my earnings, i serve at church by greeting, i try to be kind and help people when i can, but am i giving my entire being to the benefit of God's kingdom? what does that even mean? it is a concept that will challenge you if you try to take it on, and we should. all too often we get caught up in the notion that we are entitled to a good life by our standards; maybe that means an expensive house or car, lavish vacations, or maybe even just comfortable living. that kind of a life is by our standards and what we feel we deserve simply because we are alive and that is what we want. the bottom line is that our lives are not our own. we are stewards even of our own lives. every breath is a blessing from God and not guaranteed. we are to use our life, our entire being, to serve God. everything else is meaningless and fruitless when considering eternity, our home. in that sense, 'generous' takes on a whole new meaning.

ponder this

2009-05-06T18:14:00.001-07:00

just because something is, doesn't mean it should be

concrete

2009-05-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

the silence here

evokes contemplation

of days gone by

and days to come

gusting winds

rattle my windows

i wonder if it's strong

enough to carry me

where my dreams

have gone ahead

to predict the breeze

is no more sensible

than predicting my

own path

so rather than

granting silence

the ability to

lure my thoughts

to steering

let me be more sensible

i look up as i look down

i'm thankful for this concrete

how

2009-05-04T16:42:00.000-07:00

the piano plays in my ears

as i remember his voice

as he said

so gently

open your eyes

there is so much good

you are blessed

now tell me,

he went on,

tell me all the good in your life

i refused to speak

he asked again

i spoke

i fought a smile

how does he always

find a way

to be patient

to encourage

to always see the good

that i so easily ignore

or

2009-04-30T12:52:00.001-07:00

i've been at a loss for words lately.

perhaps i have them and it is the redundant nature of them that irks me.

or at least my lack of creativity, at the moment,

or all together...

or simply just my indecisiveness.

nevertheless i have never felt more in love.

certainly the butterflies of love fly around crazily at times whereas other times they just rest.

right now they can't stop flapping their wings.

each new day i find more ways to appreciate chad.

i am one lucky girl.

i am loved.

suggested

2009-04-06T12:41:00.000-07:00

there was a red barn way off to the left

it was a rusty color

some of the wood was cracked

it had been there much longer than either of us knew

there were shrubs around it

my first glance was quick

the barn almost faded behind the small hill in front,

now green with the arrival of spring.

if i squinted, i could see the barn better

to many of those who passed by

the barn had been forgotten

its appearance suggested at least that much

you reminded me

that although we often missed it

someone

somewhere

knew it well

and loved

that red barn way off to the left

journal is a noun

2009-03-31T17:22:00.000-07:00

i take a tuesday night education class at uncc. i guess perhaps it is not actually an 'education' class, technically, but rather an english class; ENGL 5254. professor griffin teaches us methods to utilize in the classroom while teaching english/language arts. this is the first time in my entire life i had a teacher i truly enjoy. she makes me laugh.

the first fifteen minutes of every class we journal. although 'journal' is a noun, this routine process involves the class putting anything into the noun, if you will. we use old school composition notebooks; the black and white kind. i have a new found love for mine. i even unintentionally customized it; it has coffee stains on it-yes, indeed it is mine.

my 'so-what' of this post is about what i wrote. mr. coffee composition received some words that are not my own but wise nonetheless. they came from a friend. he said, "act how you know not how you feel". sometimes i think i feel too much, or at least let it dictate my actions.

i hate, even for a few days, straying from God. i let the chaos of my life steal me away. i. hate. it. i, metaphorically-or maybe not so much, leave the solid ground i stand on and jump on the emotional, falling apart, roller coaster named kim. it's a scary ride if you've never been on it. i am the sole patron but this ride moves fast enough to create a wind that tussles the hair of all in its peripheral flow. the ups and downs are spontaneous. whiplash of the heart: likely.

ugh, it stinks. when i finally get off the ride and return to solid ground i am in awe of the reality that, while on it, i could not make a single rational thought. but while in it, i didn't even know what rational meant. yes, the experience is as confusing as the explanation.

not knowing where i stand or where i'll land is scary. my fear shows itself in my behavior, my attitude, my disposition-i act rash and purely off of emotion. acting on pure emotion creates a person i don't even recognize.

i need to act like the child of God that i am, like a saved soul that finds rest in God's arms, in his word, in communication with him. i love to run wildly back into his welcoming arms that bring a constant warmth of peace and security.

plum spice

2009-03-22T19:22:00.001-07:00

i painted my new bedroom today. first time i ever really painted a room-it was fun! one wall is "plum spice" and the other three are "plum stone". for some reason when i saw those colors i thought, "they make me feel like i want to write". so, perhaps my new room is a little inspiration boost to actually do a bit more of what i love to do. thank you to all who actually read this.

fog

2009-03-22T05:46:00.001-07:00

i don't mind the fog of tomorrow

in fact

i may kind of like it

because i have peace

that when the fog lifts

His will shall prevail

my own grand canyon

2009-03-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

there is this hole that exists

i dug it

i thought it was finished

that it couldn't go any deeper

i thought i gazed at it one last time

long ago

last night i dug some more

i used to fall back in my hole

often

sounds dumb, right?

since i dug it i should be more aware

of its presence

but i wasn't

and often

i would fall

the fall hurt

climbing out hurt

i fell in last night

the scariest part

(that i always forget)

is that those closest to me

can fall in too

when they fall

it hurts more

flat

2009-03-06T22:30:00.001-08:00

houses

with porches

what are they for

i'm unsure

why

that talk is ignored

i see walls

no open doors

to explore

do our hearts

sing harmonies

perhaps i'm flat

limits?

2009-03-03T19:38:00.001-08:00

somedays i really miss my brother

i hate the fact that there are people in my life

really awesome people

that i love

who will never know my brother

appreciate those you love in your life

when they're gone

you'll wish you had let them know

the extent to which you had loved them

and still do

love limitlessly

perspective

2009-03-02T15:35:00.001-08:00

if this feels like pushing to you

move over,

i'll just jump alone

take it

2009-02-22T16:08:00.001-08:00

drop it all.

run to me.

hold me.

kiss me.

let me know your love.

let me see it in all that you do, in every breath.

do you see mine?

tell me.

my heart can't hold it any longer.

i'll let you hold what pours out.

it's for you.

all of it.

take it.

my love.

hmm...

2009-02-22T15:57:00.000-08:00

i have dreams. i want, more than anything, to live my life as God wills it to be. there is nothing i can dream up that could be better. regardless, i can't help but aspire to do the following:

i want to write a book. i want to write more books. i want to climb many mountains. i want to be a catalyst for the growth of God's kingdom. i want to learn to play the piano. i want to build relationships and know people for all of what makes them unique. i want to live life and grow old with the man i love. i want my mom's heart to heal. i want my sister to be my friend. i want those who knew me for what i once was, to know me for who i now am. i want everyone who meets me to know the God i love. i want to see copeland live. i want a dog. i want many dogs. i want a house with a big porch. i want to learn all about photography and take really awesome photos. i want to sing better than i do now. i want to see all of the world, all of it. i want to live a more righteous life. i want world peace. i want what God wants for me. the rest lacks importance.

and the winner is . . .

2009-02-15T17:36:00.001-08:00

both parties are participating

in this game we call honesty,

but will it work?

is it enough?

love always wins.

letting go

2009-02-08T17:24:00.000-08:00

there is always SO much going on. i know everyone feels this way and that it is not just me. i need more hours in the day. i struggle, i struggle to give my worries, my stressors to God. i have a hard time letting go and letting God handle things. in my small mind i think that i can better control things down here. who am i to think such crazy thoughts!? Lord, let me give you what is yours; my life. let me rest in peace trusting you will hold it safely and use it to your will, the best and perfect plan for my life.

finally

2009-02-05T18:42:00.000-08:00

i finally go.

after all of this time

of holding back

waiting

i finally go.

so i wait for you

in my new place

patiently

not overbearing

not at all

and you don't follow

you go.

a different way

not the way i thought

but your way

again

i'm expected to follow

why did i ever wait

to finally go.

the car ahead of me

2009-02-03T14:07:00.001-08:00

i saw a bumper sticker today that read:

got hope?

i thought it was interesting.

just fall

2009-02-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

sometimes i wonder why i write this 'blog'. i wonder if it is so other people can read it and give me affirmations that my writing is something good and that i should pursue it because i may have a future in writing. shouldn't my love for writing be enough? does it need to actually be done well? for heaven's sake, i don't even capitalize anything.

i got scared today at work. i have a student that reached out to me for help. she goes to journey so she has an idea of where i stand with God, i presume. she wrote me a letter last week. in her letter she said that she spent the previous night crying in her room wondering if the hole she felt she was in would ever go away; if she could ever climb out of it. she also said she wished she had faith as strong as mine. i got scared. i struggle, daily, to trust God. she wants advice from me. she is looking to me as a compass to point her back to God. what if i don't know what to say? what if i say the wrong thing? what if i actually turn her from God? part of me is excited because i feel that God can actually use me in this girl's life. i think my fear is rooted in my ability to completely let go and let God speak and move through me rather than me trying to move on my own.

one sunday Will Oswald said the following, and it stuck with me, '' we serve so that other may see and know God."

phil's shadow

2009-02-02T13:11:00.000-08:00

why do we have days focused on a single groundhog's shadow? is the world at such a loss for meaning in life that we analyze shadows, spend over $200 million on 69 television advertisements during one evening of sports, and read books titled "i can make you thin"? why can't we just love?

i eavesdrop

2009-01-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

sometimes i try to analyze love. God's love for us, Chad's love for me, my parents' love, and more. right now, sitting in starbucks, there is a woman speaking to a man about her love. she doesn't know it, but i'm analyzing her. she's fretting over the romantic love she has fallen into at this moment in time and whether or not the man returns her love and the timing of his choice, if at all, to marry her. to be honest, it is quite humorous. part of me feels guilty for eavesdropping and then part of me wonders why she would talk so openly about it in starbucks. she keeps telling the man in front of her that if this opportunity with her current beau falls to pieces, she does not know what she will do. the poor woman. i used to be her.

i used to rest all of my happiness, security, faith and hope in things of this world: men, money, alcohol, success, my ego, really sickening things when looking back on them. then, when all would fall apart, as things of this world are guaranteed to do, i fell apart. now that i know true happiness, security, faith, and hope, i wonder how i could have ever been so lost. i guess that is what light does; it reveals what we are truly afraid of while masked in darkness. the truth, when known, sets us free of our fears. should i tell her that true love exists and if she allows it to penetrate her heart, she is already someone's bride?

solace in certainty

2009-01-22T12:06:00.000-08:00

chad travels often for music, his job. music has opened so many doors for him to do awesome things, see awesome places, meet awesome people. to be honest, i am a bit jealous. but more than anything, when he is gone i miss him. i miss him so much. yes, i function fine on my own and don't need his presence to ensure my own personal well being, but i miss his company. i miss how he makes me laugh, although most times we are mutually laughing at my own clumsiness or ditzy comment. i miss burning the food i attempt to cook for him. i miss watching him play guitar; i love watching him have do what he loves. i am proud of him. i miss his insight, maturity and persistence to pursue a righteous way of life in a world that makes it seem out of the norm. i miss enjoying our friends together. i miss him yelling at me for interrupting movies with my line of questioning that always includes a "did you see that?"

my office mate, pam, also misses someone she loves. but her aches of absence are different. her son is in afghanistan doing something many of us would tremble at the simple thought. i know when chad will come home but when pam said goodbye to her son, she was offered no guarantee of his homecoming. her son has no bed to sleep on, no phone or internet access through which to tell his mom that he loves her. there are men, in close proximity of pam's son, who want him dead. knowing all of that, somehow makes missing chad not hurt so much.

number 73

2009-01-19T08:36:00.000-08:00

we have all viewed one at one time or another, some more than others. today i am sharing with you a bit of starbuck's coffee cup decor. this is "The Way I See It # 73" :

"The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating-in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

-Anne Morriss, Starbucks customer from New York City. She describes herself as an 'organization builder, restless American citizen, optimist.' "

just some words for thought. enjoy your day . . .

freckles

2009-01-17T06:21:00.000-08:00

do you think foreshadowing exists in real life? one of the last memories i have of my brother is taking him to the golf driving range. he wasn't old enough to drive so he begged me to take him. as he nailed balls into the distance of nowhere, i laid in the grass on this tiny hill, attempting to tan....yes, so vain, so selfish. i remember that even farther in the distance were these abandoned soccer goals. kees and i plotted a night sneak attack where we would come back with our backpacks and steal the nets so that we can make our own soccer goal in our backyard. as we planned our scheme, kees would look back at me every so often, laughing, with that big goofy smile of his. the sun was in his face and his freckles were larger than ever. he held his own golf club (he was so proud) and adorned his staple blue tarheels baseball cap. we never got the chance to return for the goal nets.

ten percent

2009-01-15T12:21:00.001-08:00

i think sometimes i hold back. i think i don't reveal all of me because i am afraid of what you (yes, you) will think of me.

at kinetic small group last night we were encouraged to share that extra 10% of us that we hold back. i didn't do it. yes, i submitted a generic prayer request regarding my stressful life but i should be honest here, who isn't stressed at one time or another on one level or another? of course i am stressed, but that was still somewhat of a facade covering parts of me i'm afraid for the world to see, to judge, to reject.

so, next time you see me....IF you see me, ask me a question. prompt me to tell you something about me that you don't know. i want you to have my 10%.

your blog prescription has been filled

2009-01-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

i love that my profile randomly tells you that i was born during the zodiac year of the rat. what does that mean? that i like to creep around near dirt, garbage and sewers? mmm...lovely.

anyways, i would like to let this entry serve as clarification. i think people, myself included, are affected more so by negative experiences and struggles than positive. not that we aren't affected by positive things, or that they don't occur, but when they do, we feel as though they were deserved or to be expected. newsflash (kim, pay particularly close attention): we don't deserve ANYTHING. it is all by the grace of God that we have positives in our life at all. okay, so the clarification was not intended in that but, rather, the fact that i have let those dumb negative things show their not so nice face more often in my writing than the positives. my sincere apologies, dear readers, and it is now time to change that.

i have awesome friends. i love that they love me. they are so creative and thoughtful and genuine and real and God fearing people that sometimes i'm waiting for them to discover the extent of my nerd factor and run for the mountains. the reality is i am enormously blessed and i all too often forget that. so if you are a friend of mine and are reading this through forceful coercion by me, thank you for being you and having love for me. you are appreciated more than blog entries could ever convey.

2009-01-13T20:12:00.001-08:00

playing catch up

2009-01-11T11:22:00.000-08:00

So...for inexplicable reasons, my previously existing blog, your-words-my-voice, has vanished. I am, as the title details, playing catch up for those of you who did not have the opportunity to view my other blog. I am reposting my previous meanderings for your reading pleasure. Many times, I believe, the words on the screen are those laid upon my heart by my Lord Jesus Christ. Other times they may be a verbal testament to my wandering journey through this life onto the one I am promised through the gracious redemption of my sinful soul. Perhaps God can use my words to speak to you. Nevertheless, I hope you take the time to read through these postings and the others that I promise will come.

sunglasses

sometimes i feel like i am in a marathon

on a treadmill

i keep running and running

toward the light

away from the dark

but as soon as i take a breath

to look behind me

it is all still there.

note to self:

buy sunglasses

because i will only look ahead

directly into the light.

coffee

i love coffee. anyone who has spent any measurable amount of time with me has probably witnessed the consumption of coffee by non other than my self. just yesterday, Chad was making fun of my methods of consumption. when i first meet the mug of choice, i grab it, instinctively, with two hands. i then pull the mug close to my chest, just under my chin; savoring every pleasant aroma, warmth, and the prospect that this cup might bring life to my sluggish body. coffee is more than a beverage, it is momentary comfort. yes, perhaps, an addiction. My resolution for 2009: make God my addiction, more than my coffee. i want to have instinctive qualities in my relationship with Him. i want to reach for Him at all times, without even knowing. i want to pull Him close because in His arms i'm already as close as it gets. i want to savor Him, to find life in Him. really....i want to know Him more. complacency, idleness, being spiritually stagnant is not okay.

you spoke

the air is thick,

heavy with your presence

thank you

i sing with all i have

from the bottom of my depths

in efforts

simply for you to hear me

but you've already heard

next to me

your arms are wrapped, tight

heart open,

i long for you to see it

to hold

but you already do

you've held me from the start

don't let go

you're so good, so great

don't let go

my tub

I just emerged from the bathtub. I take baths when I am emotionally burdened and need some time to organize my thoughts. I usually feel some level of refreshed upon exiting the tub. Oh, my reason for entrance on this occasion, you ask? I felt emotionally alone.

I have recently picked up a new book in which to dive into during my moments of solitude. My current book, The Shack, was recommended to me by my father. Under the pretenses that my father described the book to me, and some feedback from close friends who have heard the author speak, I was under the self formed idea that The Shack was a piece of nonfiction. In fact, the writing is crafted so precisely that I only had one minute question to the validity of the piece of nonfiction as far in as page 56.

What initially drew me so far into the book was the raw emotion. Without spoiling the book for you, the story details the incidences surrounding a father following the disappearance of his youngest daughter, Missy. Having lost a younger brother and seeing the pain and challenges a loss of that magnitude has on a family, I identified very closely with the father, Mack, as William Paul Young so vividly depicts each thought and emotion that he experiences directly following Missy’s disappearance. There is one scene on the morning of the disappearance where Mack burns two fingers while trying to prepare a lavish campground breakfast for his three youngest children. The morning that my brother died, before I became aware of the accident, I was working in a restaurant and while carrying a bowl of soup out to a table, I tripped and spilled the soup, burning my finger in the process. I couldn’t believe that I was learning of someone’s story who experienced the same emotions, dealt with the same loss, even suffered from the same odd nuances of the day that I did. I envisioned myself, following the completion of the book, writing this man and sitting down over coffee pouring out and finding comfort in the similarities of each other’s triumphs over past struggles.

It was at that moment, overwhelmed by the companionship I had already established via readership and unacquainted stranger, I paused in my rash journey through the first 56 pages. I laid the book to rest on my leg, page kept while the cover of the book faced up. I was glancing over the reviews incorporated on the back cover and was a bit amused that country singing sensation, Wynonna Judd left a review. Then I jumped to the top comment on the back cover which was written by Michael W. Smith. The comment read something I’m sure featured nothing but praise and adoration over Young’s amazing ability at his craft, but I do not remember exactly what it said. All my eyes allowed me to focus on was the word “fiction”. I was startled to imagine I was so naïve to simply believe, without actually knowing, that this was a piece of nonfiction. I frantically flipped to the front hoping to find something to falsify Smith’s statement. Then I saw the words plain and clear: “A Novel ...”

I couldn’t believe what I read. Was I so foolish enough to believe that someone else in this world actually experienced the loss that I felt? I felt entirely alone. Yes, I cried. Yes, I drew a bath and spent an inordinately unneeded amount of time lying there wondering how I could have actually believed someone, somewhere felt what I felt.

Then I felt even more foolish as my mind went to my creator. I was lying in the bath tub, sobbing over a novel, sulking over the fact that I felt no one had ever felt the loss I felt, and my mind went to Jesus and my salvation. My heavenly father did not lose a bother in a tragic accident, He did not have a daughter unknowingly abducted, He knowingly sent his ONLY, PERFECT son to die for MY sins, my glaring, blatant imperfections. His selfless loss is by far greater than any I will ever know. I am not alone.

today

there is beauty in morning peace

the kind where the sun has recently conquered the horizon

coffee has its usual appeal

a toasted bagel adorned

with just a smidgen of cream cheese

invites you to a lone table

sure there are the handful of retired gentlemen

partaking in their own cup of joe

and ink ridden newspaper

that seems to hold such importance today

but will become alarmingly irrelevant with

the arrival of tomorrow

but i am here

at this table

there is nothing in front of me

but time

as i gaze out the window

and sit in awe

of the beauty in this morning peace

Thank you, Lord, for today.

i smiled

eyes closed

so it was only me and God

hands raised

out of reverence

thankfulness

desperation to draw myself closer

to Him

i sang

slightly off key

loudly

from my heart

the words

" . . . a child in awe . . . "

resonated

the voices of those

more on key than myself

built exponentially in volume

as the song played on

for a moment

as i looked up to my hands

stretched as close

to my God

as i could let them be

i envisioned the angels

singing with me

i smiled.

sometimes

sometimes i . . .

am easily disappointed

forgetful

a slacker without coffee

frustrated

too loving

not loving enough

. . . at a loss for words

today's instructions

dear heart,

don't lose focus.

love and don't stop.

be humble.

be thankful.

forgive.

misdirection

i am falling

like the swatches

on a tree

that just heard news

it is autumn

in admittance of fears

comes vulnerability

certainty,

your validation

of my open heart,

is scarce

will you see my fears

as items to be:

' ' fragile, handle with care ' '

it is all a web

of misdirection

my hope for happiness

does not rest with you

nor does yours with me

nor either of ours in anything of this world,

which will wilt like autumn swatches

my hope for happiness

rests in God.

e.n.o.u.g.h.

a person that i consider wise

once told me,

in the moments when you

are not sure if you'd make it

you're overwhelmed

or discouraged

say to yourself

:: in this moment, God is enough ::

i need nothing more.

when . . .

do you ever feel entirely

disconnected

from the world around you?

then you feel guilty for

the glimpse of self pity you

allowed yourself?

when is it okay?

when is it okay to say:

over here!

look at me!

see me!

notice me!

care for me!

love me!

shiver no more

i'm cold

it reminds me of home

i miss it

but not so much

i left home

and left part of me

the part that held me down

kept me from love,

from life eternal

i don't want to be reminded of

who i left in new york

i am now

the 'kimberly'

i was meant to be

i was looking for her for a long time

blinded by the dark

it was there when His arms

reached around me

held me tight

and i heard His whisper

. . . "I love you" . . .

i am not cold anymore.

i will sing . . .

I've been thinking a lot about friendships lately. The friendships I have, the friendships I wish I had, if I am a 'good' enough friend. Then I got caught up in thinking, "what exactly is a 'good' friend?" Oddly enough I went to dictionary.com to define the term 'friendship' for me. No, I do not resort to an internet word search engine for life guidance. Anyway, there were several things that popped up for 'friendship'. What caught my eye was a synonym at the bottom: harmony.

So, of course, I looked up the term 'harmony'. One of the offered definitions stated the following:

A consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity

There is a verse in James that I love, James 5:13. The verse says, "Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing psalms." There is a footnote in the MacArthur study Bible for this verse that states, "The natural response of a joyful heart is to sing praise to God."

I'm always captivated by the concept of love. I'm always shocked to see the torment of this world, and I sit back and wonder: why can't all people experience and display love? Perhaps I am so taken aback by God's amazing love for me, in spite of all my sin, that I am so shocked when others find love so absent in their lives. I'm often times consumed with the wonder of whether or not I love enough, in every situation.

Looking back at friendships, I wonder if I approach them in a way where I am showing them love in every possible aspect that love is, as God showed it to be? Could friendships that truly model love, that strive to make each other better ambassadors for the kingdom of God, that rejoice in the forgiveness and grace of God create a harmonious melody to the ears of our Lord? By the definitions provided, and God's Holy Word, is it possible that friendships can be another way to bring praise to our God?

Just a thought . . .