the first fifteen minutes of every class we journal. although 'journal' is a noun, this routine process involves the class putting anything into the noun, if you will. we use old school composition notebooks; the black and white kind. i have a new found love for mine. i even unintentionally customized it; it has coffee stains on it-yes, indeed it is mine.
my 'so-what' of this post is about what i wrote. mr. coffee composition received some words that are not my own but wise nonetheless. they came from a friend. he said, "act how you know not how you feel". sometimes i think i feel too much, or at least let it dictate my actions.
i hate, even for a few days, straying from God. i let the chaos of my life steal me away. i. hate. it. i, metaphorically-or maybe not so much, leave the solid ground i stand on and jump on the emotional, falling apart, roller coaster named kim. it's a scary ride if you've never been on it. i am the sole patron but this ride moves fast enough to create a wind that tussles the hair of all in its peripheral flow. the ups and downs are spontaneous. whiplash of the heart: likely.
ugh, it stinks. when i finally get off the ride and return to solid ground i am in awe of the reality that, while on it, i could not make a single rational thought. but while in it, i didn't even know what rational meant. yes, the experience is as confusing as the explanation.
not knowing where i stand or where i'll land is scary. my fear shows itself in my behavior, my attitude, my disposition-i act rash and purely off of emotion. acting on pure emotion creates a person i don't even recognize.
i need to act like the child of God that i am, like a saved soul that finds rest in God's arms, in his word, in communication with him. i love to run wildly back into his welcoming arms that bring a constant warmth of peace and security.
