darn bugs

i'm sitting in our new house right now. i am occupying our lonely "dining room" table and chairs. (our house exists more as a confined open space; but if we had distinct rooms, this one would be called the dining room.) in front of me are the sliding glass doors that lead to our small backyard/patio. it really is a beautiful patio. the yard, at the moment, is infested with weeds. just a few moments ago i attempted to tell those weeds who was in charge. that lasted until the bugs detected my bare legs as feeding grounds. now i will simply admire the yard from inside.

i have to say, i was not aware of the handy-man factor chad has brought to the table. i am very proud of him, but i wonder if he knows what he has truly unleashed. seeing his home do-it-yourself skills makes my mind wander to a plethora of fun home decor ideas that would involve his newly discovered abilities. currently, i am waiting for him to get off work so we can partake in the mountain of tasks that await us.

sitting here alone, waiting on chad, reminds me of how much i want to spend the rest of my life with him. having this new home, planning and working toward making it a place that we will both, one day soon, dwell in together brings a whole new level of excitement for all that our shared life will bring. it really is an exhilarating feeling. as much joy as it brings me, it also brings an ache to my heart. an ache that can not wait for his arrival. an ache that misses him while he is gone. an ache that brings me to know that i don't want to miss any more of my life without him in it. an ache that lets me know chad is a blessing from God that makes me long for the day i will call myself his wife.

finally....or not so much

"me" time. something i have been looking forward to for quite some time now. the funny thing is that as i sit here i struggle thinking of even one thing for me to do with this time. all day long my mind is saying "go, go, go". Now that i have a significant amount of time to myself, my mind is like a dim lightbulb. i could look at my to-do list i made today-in the midst of the busy school day-but i'm not going to let myself. anyways, here i am blog world.

i met with a friend today that i haven't had the time to really get to know as well as i'd like. we had a really great time. she wanted to know more about me and asked, what do i like to do in my free time and what my hobbies were. ready for this? i had nothing.

if i remember correctly, this is what i listed off to her:

-i like to write, but i never seem to have time to do so

-i want to learn to play the piano, but i never seem to find time for that either

-i love trees

-i play soccer, sometimes

-i like to travel

-i like people and cultures

so....now i have time and i can't seem to figure out where to start. what i love most about trees is when they are really, really, crazy tall and form a canopy over your head with their branches and leaves. that is my all time favorite. i feel so small and almost wrapped up in their embrace. i think it is beautiful. there is a part of charlotte, myers park, that has trees like that. they line some of the roads and i love driving under them.

okay...i wanted to write some but now i think i may go play some piano. wish me luck.

my battle

it is a saturday morning and i have already ventured downstairs to make a cup of tea. i tidied up the kitchen a bit and returned to my unmade bed, tea in tote, to savor the last sips of warmth before i tackle my messy room.

school has started again. we have completed two weeks now and i only see two major challenges in front of me. ensuring my newspaper students leave the drama outside the production room and actually tear down their own pride to work together and learn compassion, patience, understanding, wisdom, and a sense of love for others. secondly, my student who i will call 'george'. george has a lot of personal problems that usually show in random, inappropriate, puzzling ways. i pray i have patience and wisdom when i deal with george. i know God loves him and i pray i can show george that.

as for me, removed from school, my struggles lie in a whole other realm. i simply can not get a reasonable grasp on my own emotions. one minute i am up, one minute i am down, every other day i am falling into the great whole of my insecurities that is always gaping wide open ready to greet me. i believe all the lies told to me that i am worthless and although i know they are lies i can't run fast and far enough away from them. i know one of my biggest problems is that 'i' keep trying and trying with no luck. 'i' know i can't do it alone. so i pray for wisdom to identify the negative thoughts that try to fill my mind and i pray for strength to fight them out of my mind and the knowledge to fill that whole with truth, with scripture.

my struggle has been taking a toll on my relationship with chad. we are in one of the most exciting years of our new life together. we are eagerly anticipating a beautiful wedding day ahead of us (june 25, 2010!). we are closing on our new house in less than two weeks. we are slowly working to build a life together centered around our mighty Lord. we want to do nothing but celebrate and work toward all of those amazing things that we have been blessed with. often times, my inability to fight the lies and fall into feelings of worthlessness gets in the way and causes me to doubt, not trust, not believe, and worry. i don't want to look back on this time in five, ten, twenty years and think 'if only i wasn't so dang emotional we would actually have really had an amazing, loving, exciting engagement year'!

i don't know why i am choosing to post these thoughts and feelings. it's not like they are secret. people have witnessed my struggle first hand and know the effects it has on me and those in close proximity of me. it's embarrassing. it's scary to let others know that i don't have it all together. i think to sit here and write it all down, see my struggle rather than just mentally and emotionally battle in the spiritual realm, helps to see that it is real and that my need to continue seeking help from God is real.

i know we all struggle. if we didn't, we wouldn't need the sweet salvation Jesus provided for us. that is what this life is all about. understand we can not make it alone. we are not perfect. we are not okay. we are not fine and we can not do it all on our own. we are not the independent people that we think we are. we need help. we need wisdom. we need strength. we need humility. we need love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. we need God. i need God.