take it

drop it all.

run to me.

hold me.

kiss me.

let me know your love.

let me see it in all that you do, in every breath.

do you see mine?

tell me.

my heart can't hold it any longer.

i'll let you hold what pours out.

it's for you.

all of it.

take it.

my love.

hmm...

i have dreams. i want, more than anything, to live my life as God wills it to be. there is nothing i can dream up that could be better. regardless, i can't help but aspire to do the following:

i want to write a book. i want to write more books. i want to climb many mountains. i want to be a catalyst for the growth of God's kingdom. i want to learn to play the piano. i want to build relationships and know people for all of what makes them unique. i want to live life and grow old with the man i love. i want my mom's heart to heal. i want my sister to be my friend. i want those who knew me for what i once was, to know me for who i now am. i want everyone who meets me to know the God i love. i want to see copeland live. i want a dog. i want many dogs. i want a house with a big porch. i want to learn all about photography and take really awesome photos. i want to sing better than i do now. i want to see all of the world, all of it. i want to live a more righteous life. i want world peace. i want what God wants for me. the rest lacks importance.

and the winner is . . .

both parties are participating

in this game we call honesty,

but will it work?

is it enough?

love always wins.

letting go

there is always SO much going on. i know everyone feels this way and that it is not just me. i need more hours in the day. i struggle, i struggle to give my worries, my stressors to God. i have a hard time letting go and letting God handle things. in my small mind i think that i can better control things down here. who am i to think such crazy thoughts!? Lord, let me give you what is yours; my life. let me rest in peace trusting you will hold it safely and use it to your will, the best and perfect plan for my life. 

finally

i finally go.

after all of this time

of holding back

waiting

waiting

waiting

i finally go.

so i wait for you

in my new place

patiently

not overbearing

not at all

and you don't follow

you go.

a different way

not the way i thought

but your way

again

i'm expected to follow

why did i ever wait

why did i ever wait

to finally go.

the car ahead of me

i saw a bumper sticker today that read:

got hope?

i thought it was interesting.

just fall

sometimes i wonder why i write this 'blog'. i wonder if it is so other people can read it and give me affirmations that my writing is something good and that i should pursue it because i may have a future in writing. shouldn't my love for writing be enough? does it need to actually be done well? for heaven's sake, i don't even capitalize anything. 

i got scared today at work. i have a student that reached out to me for help. she goes to journey so she has an idea of where i stand with God, i presume. she wrote me a letter last week. in her letter she said that she spent the previous night crying in her room wondering if the hole she felt she was in would ever go away; if she could ever climb out of it. she also said she wished she had faith as strong as mine. i got scared. i struggle, daily, to trust God. she wants advice from me. she is looking to me as a compass to point her back to God. what if i don't know what to say? what if i say the wrong thing? what if i actually turn her from God? part of me is excited because i feel that God can actually use me in this girl's life. i think my fear is rooted in my ability to completely let go and let God speak and move through me rather than me trying to move on my own. 

one sunday Will Oswald said the following, and it stuck with me, '' we serve so that other may see and know God."

phil's shadow

why do we have days focused on a single groundhog's shadow? is the world at such a loss for meaning in life that we analyze shadows, spend over $200 million on 69 television advertisements during one evening of sports, and read books titled "i can make you thin"? why can't we just love?