as charlotte slept

on that night

in late november

i looked at you

dressed in rose

the fog was thick

it kept Charlotte warm

as the city slept

all but us

on that night

in late november

when i looked at you

dressed in rose

i did not recognize

your once

familiar face

or spoken truths

on that night

in late november

when i looked at you

dressed in rose

alone in that dark

scared

i never really saw

your love

on that night

in late november

when i took off those glasses

as Charlotte slept

you were gone

musical by osmosis, it will happen

wow, it has been a while. it has been a long time since i took a day for myself.

this morning i woke up after the sun, which is SO refreshing to do. i did some laundry and picked up around the house; my house, yes, i own a house. i went to amelie's, only the best french bakery in town, and treated myself to some delicious coffee and an oversized chocolate tart with raspberry goodness on top. yum. my next stop was paper skyscraper. i actually purchased christmas cards already. i have this weird love for buying cards. i'm not quite sure when that love came about in my life, but it is there nonetheless. i just realized all my sentences are starting with "i".

since it was nearly impossible to miss that today, mid-november mind you, was in the mid to upper 70's, i decided to go for a run. probably about 5 minutes after i started running i got this ridiculously sharp pain in my left abdomen, so my run turned into a walk. i tried to venture toward our neighborhood's sports complex, but couldn't find it. odd. there where signs pointing in the general vicinity, but no building. perhaps i didn't look hard enough. this led me to believe that a neighborhood who, intentionally or not, makes their sports complex difficult to find must not value fit residents. maybe that is why they created so many sidewalks, to deter sports complex users to the outdoor elements for recreational enjoyment. shame on sports complex developers, or sign posters.

following my run, i took a long shower, did this new fun thing with my hair (that i learned on youtube, yes, youtube), and went to see my friends jacob early and jessie parker show of their talents. i have really talented, musical friends. it makes for great entertainment. it also makes me realize that i missed the music bandwagon. perhaps i should have stuck with that clarinet instead of dropping band in my junior year of high school. the director tried to make us wear these horrendous marching uniforms and force us to march and all football games. those uniforms had bad news written all over them. now, i simply watch my musical friends instead of join them.

i wonder if after chad and i are married i may become musical by osmosis. they do say you become "one" after marriage, right? i shall remain hopeful.

i must pray

i had the blessing of meeting with a friend of mine yesterday. we met at summit for coffee and conversation about our amazing God. when we left to go our separate ways at the conclusion of the evening i realized that three house had passed while we sat immersed in the glory of God.

the eyes of my heart were opened, in some cases again in others for the first time, to several awe striking things.

1. my God loves me completely and unconditionally

2. i am a sinner

3. with God's love comes a saving forgiveness

4. i am blessed far beyond anything i could have ever dreamed of

5. God prepares His chosen

6. the kingdom God longs for more hearts

7. my heart achingly longs to be like Christ

8. i am made new each day, but each day lived serves as a growing experience-one that may better help me serve God's kingdom tomorrow

9. each day is a blessing

10. Chad is a blessing and i know that he actively loves me in each moment

11. my brother's death hurt, seeing my parents' grief hurt, after seeing my father lose his only son makes me understand a tiny glimpse of the magnitude of God's gracious sacrifice of offering up Jesus for my eternal life

12. i want to better live God's description of true love

13. i want others to see God's love through me, really see it, and desperately want to know Christ

14. there is so much more i want to know

15. i must pray

be

in four days a good friend of mine will be married and living in boone, north carolina. i'm going to miss her. i am so excited for her wedding day-which i am blessed to be a part of-and the beginning of her new life together with the man that she loves. but i am still going to miss her.

knowing she is moving away makes me think of the past time i've had with her. for a few months we were able to live together in my one bedroom apartment. i'm sure i wasn't the best roommate in the world as i am starting to realize i have more pet peeves than i thought. i loved living with bethany. she has this contagious-always present-happiness about her. i get happy-of course. but bethany gets jubilantly happy. even when she is sad-she still has this ability to resonate joy from her. i know it sounds strange-but it is something that just happens with bethany and i love that about her.

with her leaving, i am forced to reflect on what i had and i am a little disappointed; in me. i a don't know when, or if, she will return to charlotte to live and i know that none of that has any weight on our friendship. i do wonder if i have been the best of a friend to her that i want to be. i worry if i have failed her as a friend. have i cherished her enough? have i spent enough time with her? does she know what she means to me-that she was my first real friend in charlotte? then i sit back for a minute and the whole picture expands. how are the rest of my friendships? i was having a conversation with my future brother-in-law and he was talking about relationships and giving; how people take turns giving and taking in a relationship. i couldn't help but let my mind wander and think about ALL of my relationships and if i give enough. they say hindsight is 100% and using mine now, i see that i struggled with selfishness A LOT as a child and i hope that isn't something i have carried with me into my adulthood.

i guess all of this ranting centers back to the fact that there may be anything-any little thing-that runs through our mind in any given moment. it takes intentional reflection to allow those little things to serve as big things. big things that can teach us big lessons. my big lesson for today? to let those you love KNOW you love them without question. give without expectations of receiving. BE a friend.

darn bugs

i'm sitting in our new house right now. i am occupying our lonely "dining room" table and chairs. (our house exists more as a confined open space; but if we had distinct rooms, this one would be called the dining room.) in front of me are the sliding glass doors that lead to our small backyard/patio. it really is a beautiful patio. the yard, at the moment, is infested with weeds. just a few moments ago i attempted to tell those weeds who was in charge. that lasted until the bugs detected my bare legs as feeding grounds. now i will simply admire the yard from inside.

i have to say, i was not aware of the handy-man factor chad has brought to the table. i am very proud of him, but i wonder if he knows what he has truly unleashed. seeing his home do-it-yourself skills makes my mind wander to a plethora of fun home decor ideas that would involve his newly discovered abilities. currently, i am waiting for him to get off work so we can partake in the mountain of tasks that await us.

sitting here alone, waiting on chad, reminds me of how much i want to spend the rest of my life with him. having this new home, planning and working toward making it a place that we will both, one day soon, dwell in together brings a whole new level of excitement for all that our shared life will bring. it really is an exhilarating feeling. as much joy as it brings me, it also brings an ache to my heart. an ache that can not wait for his arrival. an ache that misses him while he is gone. an ache that brings me to know that i don't want to miss any more of my life without him in it. an ache that lets me know chad is a blessing from God that makes me long for the day i will call myself his wife.

finally....or not so much

"me" time. something i have been looking forward to for quite some time now. the funny thing is that as i sit here i struggle thinking of even one thing for me to do with this time. all day long my mind is saying "go, go, go". Now that i have a significant amount of time to myself, my mind is like a dim lightbulb. i could look at my to-do list i made today-in the midst of the busy school day-but i'm not going to let myself. anyways, here i am blog world.

i met with a friend today that i haven't had the time to really get to know as well as i'd like. we had a really great time. she wanted to know more about me and asked, what do i like to do in my free time and what my hobbies were. ready for this? i had nothing.

if i remember correctly, this is what i listed off to her:

-i like to write, but i never seem to have time to do so

-i want to learn to play the piano, but i never seem to find time for that either

-i love trees

-i play soccer, sometimes

-i like to travel

-i like people and cultures

so....now i have time and i can't seem to figure out where to start. what i love most about trees is when they are really, really, crazy tall and form a canopy over your head with their branches and leaves. that is my all time favorite. i feel so small and almost wrapped up in their embrace. i think it is beautiful. there is a part of charlotte, myers park, that has trees like that. they line some of the roads and i love driving under them.

okay...i wanted to write some but now i think i may go play some piano. wish me luck.

my battle

it is a saturday morning and i have already ventured downstairs to make a cup of tea. i tidied up the kitchen a bit and returned to my unmade bed, tea in tote, to savor the last sips of warmth before i tackle my messy room.

school has started again. we have completed two weeks now and i only see two major challenges in front of me. ensuring my newspaper students leave the drama outside the production room and actually tear down their own pride to work together and learn compassion, patience, understanding, wisdom, and a sense of love for others. secondly, my student who i will call 'george'. george has a lot of personal problems that usually show in random, inappropriate, puzzling ways. i pray i have patience and wisdom when i deal with george. i know God loves him and i pray i can show george that.

as for me, removed from school, my struggles lie in a whole other realm. i simply can not get a reasonable grasp on my own emotions. one minute i am up, one minute i am down, every other day i am falling into the great whole of my insecurities that is always gaping wide open ready to greet me. i believe all the lies told to me that i am worthless and although i know they are lies i can't run fast and far enough away from them. i know one of my biggest problems is that 'i' keep trying and trying with no luck. 'i' know i can't do it alone. so i pray for wisdom to identify the negative thoughts that try to fill my mind and i pray for strength to fight them out of my mind and the knowledge to fill that whole with truth, with scripture.

my struggle has been taking a toll on my relationship with chad. we are in one of the most exciting years of our new life together. we are eagerly anticipating a beautiful wedding day ahead of us (june 25, 2010!). we are closing on our new house in less than two weeks. we are slowly working to build a life together centered around our mighty Lord. we want to do nothing but celebrate and work toward all of those amazing things that we have been blessed with. often times, my inability to fight the lies and fall into feelings of worthlessness gets in the way and causes me to doubt, not trust, not believe, and worry. i don't want to look back on this time in five, ten, twenty years and think 'if only i wasn't so dang emotional we would actually have really had an amazing, loving, exciting engagement year'!

i don't know why i am choosing to post these thoughts and feelings. it's not like they are secret. people have witnessed my struggle first hand and know the effects it has on me and those in close proximity of me. it's embarrassing. it's scary to let others know that i don't have it all together. i think to sit here and write it all down, see my struggle rather than just mentally and emotionally battle in the spiritual realm, helps to see that it is real and that my need to continue seeking help from God is real.

i know we all struggle. if we didn't, we wouldn't need the sweet salvation Jesus provided for us. that is what this life is all about. understand we can not make it alone. we are not perfect. we are not okay. we are not fine and we can not do it all on our own. we are not the independent people that we think we are. we need help. we need wisdom. we need strength. we need humility. we need love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. we need God. i need God.