school has started again. we have completed two weeks now and i only see two major challenges in front of me. ensuring my newspaper students leave the drama outside the production room and actually tear down their own pride to work together and learn compassion, patience, understanding, wisdom, and a sense of love for others. secondly, my student who i will call 'george'. george has a lot of personal problems that usually show in random, inappropriate, puzzling ways. i pray i have patience and wisdom when i deal with george. i know God loves him and i pray i can show george that.
as for me, removed from school, my struggles lie in a whole other realm. i simply can not get a reasonable grasp on my own emotions. one minute i am up, one minute i am down, every other day i am falling into the great whole of my insecurities that is always gaping wide open ready to greet me. i believe all the lies told to me that i am worthless and although i know they are lies i can't run fast and far enough away from them. i know one of my biggest problems is that 'i' keep trying and trying with no luck. 'i' know i can't do it alone. so i pray for wisdom to identify the negative thoughts that try to fill my mind and i pray for strength to fight them out of my mind and the knowledge to fill that whole with truth, with scripture.
my struggle has been taking a toll on my relationship with chad. we are in one of the most exciting years of our new life together. we are eagerly anticipating a beautiful wedding day ahead of us (june 25, 2010!). we are closing on our new house in less than two weeks. we are slowly working to build a life together centered around our mighty Lord. we want to do nothing but celebrate and work toward all of those amazing things that we have been blessed with. often times, my inability to fight the lies and fall into feelings of worthlessness gets in the way and causes me to doubt, not trust, not believe, and worry. i don't want to look back on this time in five, ten, twenty years and think 'if only i wasn't so dang emotional we would actually have really had an amazing, loving, exciting engagement year'!
i don't know why i am choosing to post these thoughts and feelings. it's not like they are secret. people have witnessed my struggle first hand and know the effects it has on me and those in close proximity of me. it's embarrassing. it's scary to let others know that i don't have it all together. i think to sit here and write it all down, see my struggle rather than just mentally and emotionally battle in the spiritual realm, helps to see that it is real and that my need to continue seeking help from God is real.
i know we all struggle. if we didn't, we wouldn't need the sweet salvation Jesus provided for us. that is what this life is all about. understand we can not make it alone. we are not perfect. we are not okay. we are not fine and we can not do it all on our own. we are not the independent people that we think we are. we need help. we need wisdom. we need strength. we need humility. we need love and forgiveness and mercy and grace. we need God. i need God.
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